"I turned into the Incredible Hulk there. I ripped this piece of paper in half."
I'm not saying Daddy's old but today he has referred to three separate men as chaps and just used the phrase higgledy piggledy.
Daddy's colleague is on the phone. He covers the mouthpiece and asks Daddy a question:
Steve: "Have you had this enquiry off anyone else?"
Daddy: "I'm not telling you that."
Steve: "But my customer asked."
Daddy: "If you went to your doctor with an STD and said 'Has anyone else been in here with an STD?' do you think the doctor would say 'Oh yeah so and so, you know so and so down the road? He came in this morning with that. Have you slept with him?'"
"I'm going to be up to my neck a metre high in rubble."
Daddy: "If I die can you write on my gravestone 'I'm too busy to be dead'?"
Mummy: "If? Are you hopeful there's a chance you might be immortal?"
"What I normally always say is..."
"I'm due a mistake. I haven't made one in a year or so."
Do you think it's things like that and all that and this and that?
"Hello gentlemen."
"If he lives close to home why would he want to move?"
"I've got petty cash all over my desk like in Giant and the Beanstalk."
"When I was young everything I did annoyed my brother, I've no idea why."
*tumbleweed blows across the room.*
"With the best will in the world he's got to live within the real world."
"Let me find a piece of paper, my bit of card, my pad of coloured paper, it's all procedures these days."
Left the Health and Safety file in the middle of the floor. Three people tripped over it.
Random person: "It's my birthday today."
Daddy: "Happy B Day."
Mummy was telling Daddy a story and yet again he interrupted demanding to know how the story ends before she's barely started:
Mummy: "When you were little and your mum would tell you a bedtime story would you interrupt her and say 'yeah yeah three pigs, does the wolf die?' and your mum would go 'well yes but...' and you would say 'good, night night'"
Daddy: "Maybe."
Daddy just became BFFs with the lady on the till in Aldi, apparently her name's Jackie.
Daddy went to help a new neighbour take something out of her car. Five minutes later he knows her full name, and her husbands, children and entire extended families names, what her and her husband do for a living, where they moved from and how much they sold their house for and what they are having for tea.
Mummy: "What does this say? I can't read your writing."
Daddy: "I don't know. South West?"
Mummy: "You wrote it. Only two minutes ago."
"I know he's a greatly overworked chap."
Used the words concur and co-incidentally in a conversation with his wife.
"I can smell high modular silicone sealant."
"You probably know me as Christopher. But only the doctor and the police call me that."
Phones someone:
"Who's calling? Oh yeah, me."
"I'm fine. Just keeping the British end up."
Mummy: "Ugh your hands."
Daddy: "I've been moving caravans."
Yesterday. Yesterday he moved A caravan.
"We need to find out what it's all about before we invite our customers to a car crash."
Approximately half an hour later repeated this phrase but substituted 'car crash' for 'shittest party ever'.
Writing an email:
Daddy: "How about this? 'The material that is languishing in our quarantine area."
Mummy: "Sounds sarcy."
Daddy: "Gathering moss in our quarantine area."
Mummy: "Really sarcy."
Daddy: "Residing?"
Mummy: "Why do you have to be a knob? Can't it just be sitting in our quarantine area?"
Daddy: "But English is such a rich fruitful language."
Mummy: "Not the way you use it. You speak it like a second language."
Mummy: "I wouldn't go to my school reunion.
Daddy: "I would."
Mummy: "You didn't go to my school. Nobody would know you there. I hated school anyway."
Daddy: "99.9% of people at my school..."
Mummy: "Blimey, how many were there?"
Daddy: "...got along harmoniously. Then there were the hardcore thugs."
Mummy: "Lucky that was only 0.1% eh."
Mummy: "Can I have a pink desk?"
Daddy: "Don't be stupid, that's not the corporate colour"...looks around...remembers the logo is pink...."Oh wait. We all have to have pink desks."
Opens window:
Daddy: "Aah that's better."
Mummy: "Good fart?"
Daddy: "I didn't fart."
Mummy: "I bet your tummy was hurting holding it in,"
Daddy: "I didn't fart."
Mummy: "You should have done it in the kitchen."
Daddy: "I didn't fart."
Mummy: "You shouldn't hold them in."
Daddy: "I DIDN'T FART."
Daddy: "Can you order me a stamp that says something like..."
Mummy: "No. Tell me exactly what you want and I will order it."
Daddy; "OK. How about... or maybe..."
Mummy: "NO tell me EXACTLY what you want."
Daddy: "OK. Say... or..."
Mummy: "Words like 'maybe' and 'or' are not decisive. I'm not ordering it til you tell me exactly what you want."
In the end he gave up and she just ordered whatever she felt like, It will probably be pink with flamingos on.
Daddy: "Dirk is coming along on the 5th October."
Mummy: "Coming along where?"
Daddy: "Dirk. Here. He's coming along."
Mummy: "Coming along to what?
Daddy: "D. I. R. K. Is coming along."
Mummy: "Coming along to what?"
Daddy: "Coming along to here."
Mummy: "To here? Why what's happening?"
Daddy: "Dirk is coming along."
Mummy: "I don't know what you mean."
Daddy: *big sigh* "Shall I start again?"
Mummy: "I wish you would."
Daddy: "Dirk is coming to visit us on the 5th October."
Mummy: "For gods sake. Why didn't you just say that? You said he was coming along. Like you are going somewhere and he is going with you."
Daddy: *even bigger sigh and eye rolling*
"What's your name?...Toby?...Thanks Toby...Bye Tony."
Daddy on phone: "I'm phoning to offer you a white feather..."
After he comes off:
Mummy: "Was that white feather supposed to be a peace offering?"
Daddy: "Yes *sighs* I know. It should have been a white flag."
Mummy: "You just called him a coward."
Daddy: "Maybe it was my own feather. You know in the first world war people used to walk round with bags of white feathers to hand out."
Mummy: "Are you sure they weren't pillows?"
Daddy; "That's the equivalent of cyclists riding round looking for trouble with a helmet cam."
German: "What's the word?"
Daddy: "Optimistic."
German: "No."
Daddy: "Pessimistic."
German: "No."
Daddy: "Brexit. The future."
German:
Daddy: "The EU. Angela Mercell."
German:
German: "I don't know. I've forgotten what I was trying to say."
Mummy: "What day are we moving?"
Daddy: "January or February maybe."
Mummy: "That's not a date."
Daddy: "Well.... blah...blah...infrastructure...blah blah...surveyors...blah blah... something else about infrastructure...blah blah...something about lawyers and shit...blah blah...*10 more minutes of blah blah* ...who knows."
Mummy: "Cool. Thanks."
Looks down at his filthy hands:
Daddy: "Ugh it stinks that stuff."
Mummy: "You're covered in oil. Wash your hands."
Five minutes later after not washing his hands:
Daddy: "Ugh it stinks."
Mummy: "I despair."
Daddy: "How do you spell Omah Gee?"
Mummy: "Pardon?"
Daddy: "Omah Gee."
Mummy: "Omah Gee? What the hell does that mean?"
Daddy: "Just tell me how to spell it. I haven't got time for this."
Mummy: "I would if it existed. What's it mean?"
Daddy: "Omah Gee. OMAH GEE. One of them smiley face things you put in a message."
Mummy: "Emoji?"
Daddy: "Yes. Omah Gee."
Mummy: "Jesus. E M O J I. Emoji."
Daddy: "E M O J I Omah Gee."
Mummy: "Why did you need to spell it anyway?"
Daddy: "I wanted to send one in an email but I didn't have time to look for one so I wrote 'confused face Omah Gee' instead."
Mummy: "Emoji."
Daddy: "Yes. Omah Gee. Ah she's replied with a confused face Omah Gee."
Mummy: "Don't ever use that word again. And don't send an emoji in an email again."
"I take a belt and braces approach to life."
Just said BING in the middle of a sentence for no reason.
Daddy: "Does anyone know...blah blah..."
Mummy: "I'm the only other person in the room. Could you not call me anyone."
On phone:
"Hello, happy new year and all that wwhhhheeeeeeeeee"
Daddy: "I think it was a dodgy batch of. Anyway..."
Mummy: "Batch of what?"
Daddy: "I was thinking..."
Mummy: "No. Finish one sentence before you move onto the next. Batch of what?"
Daddy: "Hmm yes. I was thinking..."
Mummy: "No. Finish your sentence. I refuse to listen to the next one until you're finished."
Daddy: "*huge sigh* GAS."
Mummy; "Excellent. We've caught up. Carry on."
Daddy: "Cockadoodle doo. I'm a cock."
Mummy: "Yes you are."
"You'll need to bring your keys in tomorrow. Set yourself a ringtone text so you don't forget."
Daddy: "How do you spell whittled?"
Mummy: "Why would you need to write that word?"
Daddy: "I'm writing an email. 'It's not a stock item, it has to be made to order, well when I say made to order...blah blah... something about whittled from a sheet...blah blah... planed to size...blah blah...' So anyway how do I spell whittled?"
Mummy: "W H I T T L E D if you absolutely insist on sending that nonsense email."
Daddy: "No that's not right."
Mummy: "It is."
Daddy: "W H A T I L E D? That's not right."
Mummy: "Stop talking now."
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