How to win friends and influence people...

"All he wants is a price.  He doesn't want it with f-in paper doilies round the edge."

"You can tell they're all women in the solicitors.  The heating was on full blast and it looked like someone's lounge."

"How am I?  It could change on a sixpunce." ...whatever one of those is.

Daddy:           "Stop telling people that!  You keep telling people I'll phone them back when I won't."
Colleague 1:  "I only said it once."
Mummy:        "You're in a stroppy mood today."
Colleague 2:  "What's the matter Johnboy?"
Mummy:       "Would a slap help?"
Daddy: (in his Dad's most indignant voice):   "Certainly not."
Mummy:       "It would help me."

Things that annoyed Daddy this morning:
Everybody at the roundabout was deliberately driving slow to wind him up.
Radio One deliberately played a song he didn't like to wind him up.
Mummy was deliberately trying to wind him up by pointing out that he is not Radio One's target audience, therefore they don't care if he doesn't like the music and maybe he should switch to Radio two or Absolute Radio.
Mummy's sandwich smelt bad to wind him up.  Also it wound him up that she was eating a chicken tikka sandwich for breakfast.  Mummy says it's cos she's a noncomformist.

Daddy walks into a room, complains it's too hot and opens all the windows, then walks out again.

Daddy walks into a room, turns the telly channel over, then walks out again.

Daddy:     "What have you done to your face?  Are you a goth now?  You'll be moving to Whitby next and wearing a long leather coat like Neil off the Young Ones."
Mummy:   "What the bloody hell are you talking about.  Neil was a hippy, not a goth."
Daddy:      "Same thing."

Daddy (to Katie):   "Your hair looks nice and frizzy."
Mummy:                "Psst you mean wavy."
Daddy:                   "Your hair looks nice and wavy."

On Katie getting bitten by mosquitoes:
"You need to sleep with a dog, they're much tastier."

"He needs putting down like a rabid old cat."

"Oh god this customer is a piranha."

Daddy just told Mummy her dinner smells like sick.  You shouldn't say that.  It's very bad manners.

Mummy was telling Daddy a story and mid sentence he walked out the room.  When he came back Mummy said, "I was in the middle of talking."  And he said, "Oh, I thought you'd finished" and Mummy said, "What? Mid sentence?"

Daddy:     "If you worked as hard as I have today you'd sound this fed up too."
Katie:       "I did a Welsh GCSE exam today actually."
Daddy:     "That's nothing like as hard as I work."

"I did get your message.  I might have got round to phoning you back this afternoon."

"I haven't got time to be polite."

Making small talk:
"And how are you bearing up against the strains of modern life?"

At the dinner table:
Mummy:    "Hope you're hungry"
Places lovely big plate of shepherds pie in front of him.
Daddy:       "No not really.  In fact I've got indigestion."
Mummy:    "Fffffff."

"He's not the big cheese.  He's just a mini cheddar."

Daddy spins round in his wheely chair so fast he knocks Mummy into the wall:
Mummy:      "Ow."
No reaction.
Mummy:     "That really hurt."
Still no reaction.
Mummy:     "Did you not see me?"
Daddy:        "Yes."

"Thanks Gary...Barry...Larry...whatever your name is."

"....I'd rather not.   I'd rather sit here doing more profitable things."

Mummy:   "How much did it cost?"
Daddy:      "Mmm lovely cheese."

Packing the caravan ready for a weekend away with Bessie and Harvey the foster dog:
Daddy:     "Oh.  I thought we were going to have a nice dog free weekend."
Mummy: "We are taking two dogs to a dog friendly campsite with a group of other basset owners.   Which bit of that did you expect to be dog free?"

On the phone:
"Are you on the toilet?  You sound like you are on the khazi."

"You want me to come down and pay?   We are an international company.  We're not paying cash like the man on the street."

"Christmas parties are for people with too much time on their hands."

Daddy:     "What was that enquiry again?"
Mummy:  "It was for....blah blah etc etc..."
Daddy:     "I'm not listening.  I'm too busy."

Phoning a really big courier company to complain about a damaged delivery:
"I don't know what's going on down there but I'm close to calling your managing director."

Throws calculator across the room in fit of rage:
"Can I have a new calculator?  Mine's broken."

Daddy:      "Hello, nice to meet you."
Man:         "We've met a few times."
Daddy:      "Have we?"

Mummy:      "I've got... on the phone for you."
Daddy:         "I'm making toast.  They'll have to wait."
Mummy:      "I can't tell them that."
Daddy;         "Then make something up."
The toast burns while they are arguing because instead of putting the toaster on the correct setting he prefers to leave it on high and then catch the toast before it burns.   As a result Daddy is in a foul mood for the rest of the day and makes everyone around him miserable.

"Can I speak to IT please?....Oh IT specialist?  Is that what he calls himself?  Taught Bill Gates did he?"

Colleague says he has a headache so Mummy gets him some ibuprofen but he needs a drink to take the tablets with:
Mummy:   "I can give you a Berrocca to make the water taste less like someone sharpened pencils into a bucket of muddy mushrooms and coins."
Colleague decides to drink the tap water anyway but gags on disgusting taste.  On his return to the office notices Daddy has eight litres of bottled water under his desk.
Colleague:   "You bastard, look at all that water, you could have offered me a sip."
Daddy;    "WHAT?   I'M TOO BUSY."

"...sorry you'll have to start again.  I zoned out there."

Daddy:      "Ooh Bryn that reminds me.  I bought a single banana for my pudding today.  But I left it in the car."
Mummy:   "Wow, what an anecdote."
Daddy:      "Well it was shorter than yours."   (He had been waiting for her to tell her story about what the vet said about Lotty's ear so he could interrupt with his amazing banana anecdote)
Mummy:   "That's not a measure of how good a story is."

"Oh don't get me started, you'll never get me off my soap box"...half an hour later..."and another thing..."

"I don't are two diddly squats."

"My supplier had a heart attack and I didn't get my delivery for three weeks."

Has just asked someone if her friend Sandra is still alive.

Daddy:      "Did you get a name?"
Mummy:   "No."
Daddy:      "How long have you been on sales?"
Mummy:   "How long have you been obnoxious?"

"I feel like my life's frittering away and I'm not enjoying 67% of it."

When I'm telling a story he stands in the doorway waving his arms at me impatiently and sometimes he evens says "Is this going to take long?"
This makes me talk r-e-a-l-l-y  s-l-o-w-l-y.

Showing off in front of a customer TOLD me to get a file out.  I was filing on the floor.  I had to stand up and ask him to move to reach the drawer that the file was in and he could have pulled out himself in seconds.

Daddy:       "The reason people today are always ill is because their houses are too clean.     I'm never ill because my house is covered in dog shit."
Colleague:   "That'll be it then.  My wife is always dettoxing everything."
Daddy:         "*sighs wistfully* Sounds nice."
Mummy:      "Why don't you go home right now and clean the f-ing house if it's that important to you?"
Colleague:    "Good luck getting out of this one Johnno."

Daddy:     "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?"
Mummy:  "I beg your pardon?"
Daddy:     "I'm just politely trying to ask you a question."
Mummy:  "Polite questions aren't normally asked in a 97 decibel soprano whilst waving your arms about like a windmill."

On the phone:
"He's popped out...can you call back?...no I've got a million things to do, I haven't got time to take messages...sigh...I'll just tell him to phone you.  If I remember that is."

Phone rings:
"For Gods sake, I haven't got time for this I've got things to do...sigh...Hello...sigh...no I'm just really busy...oh lucky you, you slept did you?  I never..."

Mummy:    "How old is he?"
Daddy:       "Our age."
Mummy:    *just glares*
Daddy:       "Sorry.  My age."

Daddy:    "It really annoys me, Tesco have never got any sliced bread on a Monday morning and there's always this lad stood there covered in tattoos..." *pauses as warehouse man covered in tattoos walks in*. "...and I don't want someone covered in tattoos serving me food."  *warehouse man glares and leaves.
Mummy:  "Oh my god you could at least have stopped talking.  He'll never make you another cup of tea again."
Daddy:      "Well it's true,"

"Ah  *insert name of random harmless celebrity* he's a piece of scourge isn't he."

on phone:
"We won't be renewing our contract because your driver was vile."
Afterwards:
Daddy:    "She was rude."
Mummy: "Maybe that's cos you called her driver vile."
Daddy:    "I wouldn't say that.  I wouldn't use a phrase like that."