After filling in his council tax form so wrong the lady from the council phoned up to find out which of three people he was:
"These council people are totally incompetent."
"Do you know what a semi circle is?"
"Two metre by one metre by black millimetres."
"I'm not arguing with the scales at an airport but it's not right...it ain't right...mathematically it's not right...scientifically it's not right...I'm right. HA."
Mummy getting her cash tin ready for a car boot sale:
Mummy: "Ten, twenty, thirty, forty..."
Daddy: "Are you counting your float?"
Mummy: "Shush."
Daddy: (whispering)"Sorry, are you counting your float?"
Mummy: "You prat. I have to start again now."
"Nine out of eight times."
Daddy: "It counts down: 29, 30, 31, 32."
Mummy: "That's up not down."
Daddy: *just glares*
"Ten odd thousand."
"That was in the year 011."
"I'm 99.7% certain." That's very specific isn't it.
"Minimum requirement should be at least one whole person in the warehouse at any one time."
"There's a 60:60 chance."
"Let's do it as a fraction, a vulgar fraction, a fraction, not a vulgar fraction, a fraction." (all in the same sentence without a break)
"That will be £19.14. What a date. 1815. There's another date. The French revolution."
"99 times out of 10 it's OK."
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