Daddy on health, beauty and fashion...

Mummy:     "Are you coming to the fun day on Saturday?"
Daddy:        "Yeah OK.  No wait.  What day is it on Saturday?"
Mummy:     "Saturday."
Daddy:        "Oh no.  I'm getting my hair cut."
Mummy:     "Change your appointment then."
Daddy:        "I haven't made one yet."

Describing being tired:  "Oh, I've suddenly hit a cliff."  *yawns dramatically*

When Daddy stretches he does one of two things; he either shouts, "YABBA DABBA DOO", or he goes "RRRRROOOOAAAARRRR."

Mummy:     "Do you know you've got white paint all over your ear?"
Daddy:        "Yeah, I was looking in the mirror earlier and I thought no wonder everyone is looking at me funny."
Mummy:     "They're probably looking at you funny cos you know you've got paint on your ear but you haven't even attempted to wipe it off."
Daddy:         "I haven't got time for that.  I'm far too busy."
Five minutes later...
Colleague:    "Did you know you've got white paint all over your ear?"

On his hayfever:    "This rape is murder."

We think Daddy is having a midlife crisis.  He keeps describing things as "awesome" or sometimes even "awesome to the max" and also uses the phrase "big style" far too much.  Also referring to friends, especially female friends, as "mates".  This is not acceptable when you are 49 years old.

Daddy:       "Something's irritating in this room."  Then he makes this horrible noise like this  IIICCCCCCHHHHHHHHIIIIIIICCCCHHHH.
Mummy:    "Yes, it's you."

Person:     "She said she was pregnant but she was full of shit."
Mummy:  "So she just needed a big poo?"
Daddy:     "She needed an anemone."
Mummy:  "Yes.  Like Nemo."

"I'm falling to sleep."

To a lady on the phone telling him, in passing, that she's going to get her eyebrows done:
"Have you noticed how everybody on telly these days looks like they drew their eyebrows on with a sharpie?"

"I like a nice long soak from time to time."

Mummy:      "Why are you out in public in your PE trainers?"
Daddy:         "I need to get some new sociable trainers."
Mummy:      "Some new whattable whats?"
Daddy:         "For social occasions."
Mummy:      "Oh to wear with your going down the pub jogging pants.  I can't think of a single social situation that would involve me needing to wear trainers."

"We don't say midget anymore.  We say primeval dwarf."

"It sounds like you are in a hospital bed."

Daddy is very careful when he goes swimming not to get water in his ear as he doesn't want to get an ear infection.  However he thinks nothing of spending an entire twenty minute phone conversation with one very dirty finger poked as far into his ear as he can, on account of blocking out background noise apparently.

On coughing:   "I suddenly had a weird coughing fit.  Like someone was roasting peppers on an oven.  Like mustard gas.  Very strange."

Daddy:       "...and her mother used to have stick on eyebrows."
Mummy:    "Stick on eyebrows?  Like masking tape?"
Daddy:       "No, like spiders."
Mummy:    "Spiders?  You mean eyelashes don't you."
Daddy:       "Hmmm maybe I do."

Daddy:       "I need a haircut.   Big style."
Mummy:    "A beehive is a pretty big style.  Or a flat top like Vanilla Ice."

Mummy:     "How did he die?"
Daddy:        "He ran a pub so it was probably alcohol related."
Mummy:     "I run a Basset rescue but I don't plan to die of something Basset related."
Daddy:        "You will.  You'll die of bloat."
Mummy looks down at her empty plate as everyone else is still on their first mouthful and realises he's probably right this time.

Katie:        "Oh my god.  This jacket makes every outfit look awful."
Daddy:      "Welcome to my jacket.  And my trousers."
Katie:        "Welcome to my trousers?"

To colleague worrying cos his wife's waters are leaking:
"It's like central heating.  Eventually the system will run out and will need maintenance."

Mummy's been seeing the same dental hygienist for the last 17 years.  In all that time these are the only facts Mummy could tell you about her:
1.   She is called Eleanor.
2.   She is foreign.
Daddy went to see her once cos his usual hygienist was on holiday and came out with her entire life story and calling her Ellie.    He said they were "chatting".  Mummy said how is this even possible when you have your mouth wide open, the nearest she comes to having a conversation in the dentist is "aaaahh  nohhh thwat  nwot hwurt."