Daddy on home...

To the estate agent showing us round a house:   "We've only seen a couple we like that our down our street."
Mummy (whispering):    "He means up our street."

To the potential buyers of our house:
"And this is, sort of, the lounge."
"The cooker's staying, as far as we know."   We do know, it's our house.

Daddy cuts the lawn with scissors.  To be more specific, Daddy cuts the lawn with Mummy's kitchen scissors.  She shouts and says they are for cutting open packets of peas and chopping strings of sausages,not for cutting the poopy ridden lawn.  Daddy says we have the nicest lawn in the street,

Daddy:      "Can I borrow those scissors?"
Mummy:   "What for?"
Daddy:      "I need to cut the lawn."
Mummy:   "You can have this small pair then."
Daddy (sulking):   "Then it will take twice as long."
Mummy (to herself):   "Use a bloody lawnmower then like normal people."

Seeing a photo of a house:   "That's a nice house.  I wonder how much that one is...oh, it's Sandringham."

"People can be a bit precious about domestic showers."

Daddy:       "A room where you can keep your towels and sheets and stuff.  A small room just for that.  A small laundry room."
Mummy:    "It's called an airing cupboard.  Jesus."

Daddy:       "My dad built a narrow gauge railway in my Grandad's garden."
Mummy:    "Bloody hell, how big was their garden?"
Daddy:       "It wasn't that big.  Anyway they sold it and there are three houses on that plot now."

Daddy:       "I can't get the drawer back in.  It's too heavy."
Mummy:    "Take the 24 cans of lager out of it first then."
Daddy:       "Can I have some help here please?  Can someone hold the drawer?"
Mummy:    "Can someone hold the lager?"

On the phone ordering a house sign:
"To be truthful that's going to be big enough.  I'm not selling kebabs or anything."

"I don't want the house sign too big.  It will look like a brothel.  I'll call it Rubber Johnnys."
*draws his house sign*  It says "Rubber Johnies".

"I've got this really old 300 year cottagey thingy."

"Its going into a domestic house."

Daddy:    "I'm making the edges of the pond shallow so reptiles can get in."
Mummy: "Don't come crying to me when a crocodile eats all your fish."