"Can I interest you in an alternative?"
Daddy: "He won't deal with us? So we have to go to one of his minnows?"
Mummy: "Minions surely?"
"There's something rumoured on the cards for us."
"We can't do that. They'll just laugh us out of the phone call."
"I need to link up and communicate with him." Or in normal person speak "talk to him."
"Can I hold? Is that OK? Is that tying up your line? I can ring back if you prefer? I don't mind. Either way. You tell me." STOP TIME WASTING AND LET HER PUT YOU ON HOLD!
"He's not in the office, I'll see if I can find him because I need to find him. Hold on and I'll see what I can find."
"We do have a bit of autonomy. We're in control of our own destinies to a certain degree, so to speak."
Afterwards when Mummy told Tom he said, "That's very deep and philosophical."
"It would be," Mummy agreed. "Except it was during a conversation about where we buy our packaging supplies from, Alas, not a discussion about life and love."
On discussing whether they think they will be getting a bonus this year:
Daddy: "Just expect your normal wages, anything else is a bonus."
Mummy: "Talk about stating the bleedin' obvious."
"Bing Bong I have to tell you something..." This was said very very loudly in a small room to the two other occupants, neither of whom were speaking to anybody else or otherwise distracted at all and therefore did not need to be loudly Bing Bonged to get their attention.
Daddy: "When I quote him I normally hold my breath."
Colleague 1: "How long for?"
Daddy: "Til the next morning."
Colleague 2: "I wouldn't do that, you will die."
"They didn't have any stock, so we had to take our lives into our own hands." (he means take matters into his own hands, it wasn't nearly as dramatic as Daddy would have you believe.)
"He was just a lonely branch manager back then."
"Some people who've only worked here a few years wouldn't know. When you've worked here a bit longer you can put more meat on the bones."
On working Christmas Eve:
"Everyone else is finishing tomorrow. Don't worry everybody, I'll keep the country running for you."
"We like to keep hereditary what the customer needs."
"I'm waiting for a price off someone who's hereditary a bit slower."
Colleague: "Do you think...will sell this?"
Daddy: "No. It's not their bag. That's like asking my mum to find it for you."
Mummy: "Your mum?"
Daddy: "OK, bad analogy. That's like asking my dad to find it for you."
Mummy: "Your dad?"
Daddy: "It's like going into a Ford garage and asking for a three piece suite."
After Daddy just explained to Mummy how to work out a price:
Daddy: "No no that's not how you do it."
Mummy: "But you showed me like that. just this second. Remember?"
Daddy: "Yes but that's not the way I do it. That's the wrong way."
"If he's got something to hang his hat on then he can quote it."
"There's been a reassurgence of sales to us."
"It's what we call in the industry a knife and fork job."
Mummy says she has been in the same industry for 25 years and has never heard anyone use that term.
"Sometimes sending a price list can be the catalyst for hahahahahahaha ruining the business."
"I used to enjoy it when we made a profit."
"There's not even ten quids profit in that."
"At one point it was the hot potato of plastics."
"Yesterday is a long time ago in plastics."
On being given an enquiry that he is not sure if he can do:
"If we're not careful we could catch a cold and we don't want to be in the business of catching colds...we don't want to jam up the rest of our business." He has now gone on to use the phrase "catch a cold" five more times. Eventually Mummy asked him what it meant. "It means to get into trouble, legally speaking." Mummy told him to stop making up phrases. He said everybody uses it in a legal sense. Mummy said no they don't, they use it when they are in the doctors or chemist.
"I've hardly made any mistakes in fifteen years in this company and I don't intend to start now."
Visiting manager from another branch: "Looks like you've got too much stock to count."
Daddy: "Don't you start. I mean hahaha yes."
Daddy says if you use someone's name over and over and over again in a conversation it makes them feel important. Mummy says it doesn't. It makes them feel freaked out. Especially when you are calling them by the wrong name.
"It's alright for them, they get like ninety hundred days credit." (Isn't that about 24 years? I want an account with whoever gives those terms.)
"Anyone can do a cheap price if they haven't got it. Basic rule of sales. Now you know."
"We're part of a large corporisation."
"You need to send the invoice here because what we do is we have a computer and we put the invoices on it."
No? Really? In the year 2014?
"Hello it's John calling...my name's John...ask for John...did I say? I'm John."
"Do you have a credit card by any chance? Do you happen to have the number, if you've got that? Fire away with the number if you have that."
On the phone:
Daddy: "What's your name?"
Caller: "Lewis."
Daddy: "That's right."
"Do you know how many because they price will depend quite differently between the two."
On BACS: "That traditional anarchaic method of payment."
"Ive been doing this job for ten or eight years." He's been doing this job for 24 years.
"Let me go and visibly see them with my own eyes."
How to answer a question: "The answer to your question is..."
It's not school. You don't get extra points for adding more words.
Right now Daddy is sat at his desk, talking on the phone and cutting his fingernails (thank god not his toenails) with paper scissors over the waste paper basket.
After phoning a wrong number:
"I'm sorry YOU must have the wrong number."
"The reason I'm stalking to you today..." Freudiant slip?
Every conversation Daddy has on the phone takes twice as long because he insists on repeating back whatever the other person says, like he's a character on a radio show...or he's talking to Skippy.
Telling a story about what happened when a 25 year olds girlfriend phoned him at work:
"So I said to him 'That had better be important' and he said to her 'Is it important?' and she said 'oh yes, we've got Mary and Tom coming to dinner tonight'"
At which point Mummy said, "Mary and Tom coming to dinner? Are you sure this wasn't your parents?"
And Daddy said, " Well maybe I got the names wrong...and the activity. But it was more or less what happened."
"Maybe they're in cahoots. Maybe they all dine out together. For all we know they might like to sneak off into a private room and do foreigners together."
"And then he went on to stalk to me about..."
On someone saying good afternoon at 11;59am:
"Ooh that's on a kinfe edge."
Has just said "you know" nine times in the same five minute conversation. I'm not even exaggerating this time.
Has actually used the word thus in conversation. Normal conversation with normal people: "...thus lining their own pockets."
Has just used the word hence in an everyday conversation.
"Happy birthday and all that...have a good erm...you know...time."
Mummy: "I'm neither in nor..."
Daddy: "Yan?"
Mummy: "No. Out."
Daddy likes to use the phrase fine tooth comb as in "he goes into it with a fine tooth comb." But he always puts the emphasis in the wrong place so says fine tooth-comd instead of fine-tooth comb.
Suddenly putting emphasis on a word for no apparent reason. For example:
"That will be one hundred and TWO."
"That one was SAW cut."
Daddy likes to say "to infinitum". Not wanting to be picky or anything - haha I am really - but the correct phrase is either the latin "ad infinitum" or the English translation "to infinity" as in "To infinity and beyond".
"As I said." Always when referring to something being said for the first time.
Daddy likes to put the phrase "you know" in the middle of sentences. Examples:
"They're going to wish they'd never, you know, started."
"I can't understand where they're, you know, going."
"I've made a booboo." Yes Daddy is a 48 year old man using toddler phrases during a conversation with another grown man.
When Daddy asks someone to sign something he always says "scribble on that" and we have to remind him that normal people, other people, have proper signatures, not just an X.
Mummy: "Multitasking's not really your thing is it?"
Daddy: "Actually, I think you'll find it is."
Mummy: "This from a man who can't walk and carry rubbish to the bin at the same time."
Daddy: "I normally start by...."
One minute later:
Matt: "By what?"
Mummy: "He normally starts by saying half a."
Daddy just used the phrase "by the letter of the law" in the wrong context AGAIN. I give up.
EDIT: He has done it three times already this morning.
Mummy: "Did you just put orange peel in the waste paper basket?"
Daddy: "Where else am I supposed to put it?"
Mummy: "In the bin?"
Daddy: "It is a bin."
Mummy: "No. It's a waste paper basket."
Daddy: "I keep trying to tell Katie that."
Mummy: "I give up."
Someone asks Daddy to print off an address label for a parcel and says "Can you write on it that it's heavy?"
Daddy prints off the label. Person says: "You didn't write that it's heavy."
Daddy: "I did it in bold. You can't get much heavier."
"We put it in the sort of bin." Or as I like to call it, the bin.
"When Steve nearly chopped his finger off the other week." That was three years ago.
Daddy just told a story about when his warehouse man fell off some ladders and said nobody showed him how to use them and sued the company. That was actually a story that happened at Grandad's work, not Daddy's.
Showing Mummy a sheet of paper with a pleased expression on his face:
"Look I spelt it right this time. You can't have a go at me."
Sheet of paper says AMMENDMENT.
Steve: "Somebody sounds like they've had enough."
Daddy: "I have had enough. I had enough when I was 48."
Steve: "How old are you now?"
Daddy: "49."
Daddy: "God Steve you sound like you're about 80."
Steve : "Thanks."
Mummy: "That's rich coming from someone who wheezes like a 98 year old asthmatic."
Daddy: "See how she bullies me."
Mummy: "So you're a 49 year old man who thinks he's being bullied?"
Daddy: "She calls it banter."
Mummy: "You started it this time."
Daddy: "Can you pass me that book?"
Mummy: "No, but I could flush your head down the toilet if you like."
Mummy: "Can you take all your stuff off my desk please?"
Daddy: "Who are you? Russia?"
Later that day:
Mummy: "Can you please stop putting all your things on my desk. I haven't got room for my own stuff."
Daddy: "But my desk isn't big enough."
Mummy: "That's not my problem."
Daddy then, instead of moving his things, moved his desk and balanced his computer monitor on the edge of it. At which point the monitor over balanced and fell off the desk.
Daddy: "That was your fault."
Two people are having an argument in Daddy's office:
Daddy: "Kittens in a basket."
Everyone: "What?"
Daddy: "Meow meow meow."
"...and then you don't hear anything for weeks and weeks and months."
Daddy: "Do the stationers do files with letters on? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I...what?"
Mummy: "Were you just going to keep going to the end?"
Daddy: "Pretty much."
Daddy: "I bought it from Tesco. Can I have £2 out of the petty cash please?"
Mummy: "Why when we have a stationery cupboard full of those?"
Daddy: "Bet you didn't pay £2 for it though. Ha. Yeah."
Mummy: "Ha. Yeah. You're right. I paid 13p."
On the phone:
"It's OK you don't have to reply. Just nod."
Daddy: "These office wollers (wollahs?) don't know a thing."
(Coming from a man who has worked in an office for the last 25 years)
Mummy: "What's an office woller?
Silence.
Mummy: "But seriously. What is an office woller?"
Daddy: "Anyway I might do blah blah now."
Mummy: "What's an office woller?"
Daddy: "HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?"
Someone on the phone tells a really lame joke and Daddy laughs way more than is necessary then comes off the phone and tells everyone the joke:
Mummy: "It's not that funny."
Daddy: "It is if you're in the plastics industry."
Mummy: "I am. I don't know what it is you think I do for a living."...wanders off muttering..."A princess party organiser maybe. Feels like it sometimes."
"If I won £500 I'd give up my job."
"It's going to get even worse if they're talking about what they want to talk about."
"...end of September/beginning of November..."
"Are our calculators working off the same hymn sheet?"
Daddy: "That customer has taken that size throughout history."
Mummy: "Yes, I did it at O'level."
"The law of the land states that if the tolerance is not listed you have to ask."
Answering the phone:
"AI Plastics, this morning."
"I'm with a customer at the moment that's why I'm hotwiring everything."
"Ah yes, I remember it well. Blue nylon gate."
Just wasted 5 minutes explaining that we are behind another company:"
"Imagine you're driving into .... , well we are behind them. Round the back. Just drive in and keep going...blah blah..."
Colleague: "Did you steal my ruler?"
Daddy: "No, they're both mine."
Gets out permanent marker and writes John's ruler on both rulers.
"Can I hold? Is that OK? Is that tying up your line? I can ring back if you prefer? I don't mind. Either way. You tell me." STOP TIME WASTING AND LET HER PUT YOU ON HOLD!
"He's not in the office, I'll see if I can find him because I need to find him. Hold on and I'll see what I can find."
"We do have a bit of autonomy. We're in control of our own destinies to a certain degree, so to speak."
Afterwards when Mummy told Tom he said, "That's very deep and philosophical."
"It would be," Mummy agreed. "Except it was during a conversation about where we buy our packaging supplies from, Alas, not a discussion about life and love."
On discussing whether they think they will be getting a bonus this year:
Daddy: "Just expect your normal wages, anything else is a bonus."
Mummy: "Talk about stating the bleedin' obvious."
"Bing Bong I have to tell you something..." This was said very very loudly in a small room to the two other occupants, neither of whom were speaking to anybody else or otherwise distracted at all and therefore did not need to be loudly Bing Bonged to get their attention.
Daddy: "When I quote him I normally hold my breath."
Colleague 1: "How long for?"
Daddy: "Til the next morning."
Colleague 2: "I wouldn't do that, you will die."
"They didn't have any stock, so we had to take our lives into our own hands." (he means take matters into his own hands, it wasn't nearly as dramatic as Daddy would have you believe.)
"He was just a lonely branch manager back then."
"Some people who've only worked here a few years wouldn't know. When you've worked here a bit longer you can put more meat on the bones."
On working Christmas Eve:
"Everyone else is finishing tomorrow. Don't worry everybody, I'll keep the country running for you."
"We like to keep hereditary what the customer needs."
"I'm waiting for a price off someone who's hereditary a bit slower."
Colleague: "Do you think...will sell this?"
Daddy: "No. It's not their bag. That's like asking my mum to find it for you."
Mummy: "Your mum?"
Daddy: "OK, bad analogy. That's like asking my dad to find it for you."
Mummy: "Your dad?"
Daddy: "It's like going into a Ford garage and asking for a three piece suite."
After Daddy just explained to Mummy how to work out a price:
Daddy: "No no that's not how you do it."
Mummy: "But you showed me like that. just this second. Remember?"
Daddy: "Yes but that's not the way I do it. That's the wrong way."
"If he's got something to hang his hat on then he can quote it."
"There's been a reassurgence of sales to us."
"It's what we call in the industry a knife and fork job."
Mummy says she has been in the same industry for 25 years and has never heard anyone use that term.
"Sometimes sending a price list can be the catalyst for hahahahahahaha ruining the business."
"I used to enjoy it when we made a profit."
"There's not even ten quids profit in that."
"At one point it was the hot potato of plastics."
"Yesterday is a long time ago in plastics."
On being given an enquiry that he is not sure if he can do:
"If we're not careful we could catch a cold and we don't want to be in the business of catching colds...we don't want to jam up the rest of our business." He has now gone on to use the phrase "catch a cold" five more times. Eventually Mummy asked him what it meant. "It means to get into trouble, legally speaking." Mummy told him to stop making up phrases. He said everybody uses it in a legal sense. Mummy said no they don't, they use it when they are in the doctors or chemist.
"I've hardly made any mistakes in fifteen years in this company and I don't intend to start now."
Visiting manager from another branch: "Looks like you've got too much stock to count."
Daddy: "Don't you start. I mean hahaha yes."
Daddy says if you use someone's name over and over and over again in a conversation it makes them feel important. Mummy says it doesn't. It makes them feel freaked out. Especially when you are calling them by the wrong name.
"It's alright for them, they get like ninety hundred days credit." (Isn't that about 24 years? I want an account with whoever gives those terms.)
"Anyone can do a cheap price if they haven't got it. Basic rule of sales. Now you know."
"We're part of a large corporisation."
"You need to send the invoice here because what we do is we have a computer and we put the invoices on it."
No? Really? In the year 2014?
"Hello it's John calling...my name's John...ask for John...did I say? I'm John."
"Do you have a credit card by any chance? Do you happen to have the number, if you've got that? Fire away with the number if you have that."
On the phone:
Daddy: "What's your name?"
Caller: "Lewis."
Daddy: "That's right."
"Do you know how many because they price will depend quite differently between the two."
On BACS: "That traditional anarchaic method of payment."
"Ive been doing this job for ten or eight years." He's been doing this job for 24 years.
"Let me go and visibly see them with my own eyes."
How to answer a question: "The answer to your question is..."
It's not school. You don't get extra points for adding more words.
Right now Daddy is sat at his desk, talking on the phone and cutting his fingernails (thank god not his toenails) with paper scissors over the waste paper basket.
After phoning a wrong number:
"I'm sorry YOU must have the wrong number."
"The reason I'm stalking to you today..." Freudiant slip?
Every conversation Daddy has on the phone takes twice as long because he insists on repeating back whatever the other person says, like he's a character on a radio show...or he's talking to Skippy.
Telling a story about what happened when a 25 year olds girlfriend phoned him at work:
"So I said to him 'That had better be important' and he said to her 'Is it important?' and she said 'oh yes, we've got Mary and Tom coming to dinner tonight'"
At which point Mummy said, "Mary and Tom coming to dinner? Are you sure this wasn't your parents?"
And Daddy said, " Well maybe I got the names wrong...and the activity. But it was more or less what happened."
"Maybe they're in cahoots. Maybe they all dine out together. For all we know they might like to sneak off into a private room and do foreigners together."
"And then he went on to stalk to me about..."
On someone saying good afternoon at 11;59am:
"Ooh that's on a kinfe edge."
Has just said "you know" nine times in the same five minute conversation. I'm not even exaggerating this time.
Has actually used the word thus in conversation. Normal conversation with normal people: "...thus lining their own pockets."
Has just used the word hence in an everyday conversation.
"Happy birthday and all that...have a good erm...you know...time."
Mummy: "I'm neither in nor..."
Daddy: "Yan?"
Mummy: "No. Out."
Daddy likes to use the phrase fine tooth comb as in "he goes into it with a fine tooth comb." But he always puts the emphasis in the wrong place so says fine tooth-comd instead of fine-tooth comb.
Suddenly putting emphasis on a word for no apparent reason. For example:
"That will be one hundred and TWO."
"That one was SAW cut."
Daddy likes to say "to infinitum". Not wanting to be picky or anything - haha I am really - but the correct phrase is either the latin "ad infinitum" or the English translation "to infinity" as in "To infinity and beyond".
"As I said." Always when referring to something being said for the first time.
Daddy likes to put the phrase "you know" in the middle of sentences. Examples:
"They're going to wish they'd never, you know, started."
"I can't understand where they're, you know, going."
"I've made a booboo." Yes Daddy is a 48 year old man using toddler phrases during a conversation with another grown man.
When Daddy asks someone to sign something he always says "scribble on that" and we have to remind him that normal people, other people, have proper signatures, not just an X.
Mummy: "Multitasking's not really your thing is it?"
Daddy: "Actually, I think you'll find it is."
Mummy: "This from a man who can't walk and carry rubbish to the bin at the same time."
Daddy: "I normally start by...."
One minute later:
Matt: "By what?"
Mummy: "He normally starts by saying half a."
Daddy just used the phrase "by the letter of the law" in the wrong context AGAIN. I give up.
EDIT: He has done it three times already this morning.
Mummy: "Did you just put orange peel in the waste paper basket?"
Daddy: "Where else am I supposed to put it?"
Mummy: "In the bin?"
Daddy: "It is a bin."
Mummy: "No. It's a waste paper basket."
Daddy: "I keep trying to tell Katie that."
Mummy: "I give up."
Someone asks Daddy to print off an address label for a parcel and says "Can you write on it that it's heavy?"
Daddy prints off the label. Person says: "You didn't write that it's heavy."
Daddy: "I did it in bold. You can't get much heavier."
"We put it in the sort of bin." Or as I like to call it, the bin.
"When Steve nearly chopped his finger off the other week." That was three years ago.
Daddy just told a story about when his warehouse man fell off some ladders and said nobody showed him how to use them and sued the company. That was actually a story that happened at Grandad's work, not Daddy's.
Showing Mummy a sheet of paper with a pleased expression on his face:
"Look I spelt it right this time. You can't have a go at me."
Sheet of paper says AMMENDMENT.
Steve: "Somebody sounds like they've had enough."
Daddy: "I have had enough. I had enough when I was 48."
Steve: "How old are you now?"
Daddy: "49."
Daddy: "God Steve you sound like you're about 80."
Steve : "Thanks."
Mummy: "That's rich coming from someone who wheezes like a 98 year old asthmatic."
Daddy: "See how she bullies me."
Mummy: "So you're a 49 year old man who thinks he's being bullied?"
Daddy: "She calls it banter."
Mummy: "You started it this time."
Daddy: "Can you pass me that book?"
Mummy: "No, but I could flush your head down the toilet if you like."
Mummy: "Can you take all your stuff off my desk please?"
Daddy: "Who are you? Russia?"
Later that day:
Mummy: "Can you please stop putting all your things on my desk. I haven't got room for my own stuff."
Daddy: "But my desk isn't big enough."
Mummy: "That's not my problem."
Daddy then, instead of moving his things, moved his desk and balanced his computer monitor on the edge of it. At which point the monitor over balanced and fell off the desk.
Daddy: "That was your fault."
Two people are having an argument in Daddy's office:
Daddy: "Kittens in a basket."
Everyone: "What?"
Daddy: "Meow meow meow."
"...and then you don't hear anything for weeks and weeks and months."
Daddy: "Do the stationers do files with letters on? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I...what?"
Mummy: "Were you just going to keep going to the end?"
Daddy: "Pretty much."
Daddy: "I bought it from Tesco. Can I have £2 out of the petty cash please?"
Mummy: "Why when we have a stationery cupboard full of those?"
Daddy: "Bet you didn't pay £2 for it though. Ha. Yeah."
Mummy: "Ha. Yeah. You're right. I paid 13p."
On the phone:
"It's OK you don't have to reply. Just nod."
Daddy: "These office wollers (wollahs?) don't know a thing."
(Coming from a man who has worked in an office for the last 25 years)
Mummy: "What's an office woller?
Silence.
Mummy: "But seriously. What is an office woller?"
Daddy: "Anyway I might do blah blah now."
Mummy: "What's an office woller?"
Daddy: "HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW?"
Someone on the phone tells a really lame joke and Daddy laughs way more than is necessary then comes off the phone and tells everyone the joke:
Mummy: "It's not that funny."
Daddy: "It is if you're in the plastics industry."
Mummy: "I am. I don't know what it is you think I do for a living."...wanders off muttering..."A princess party organiser maybe. Feels like it sometimes."
"If I won £500 I'd give up my job."
"It's going to get even worse if they're talking about what they want to talk about."
"...end of September/beginning of November..."
"Are our calculators working off the same hymn sheet?"
Daddy: "That customer has taken that size throughout history."
Mummy: "Yes, I did it at O'level."
"The law of the land states that if the tolerance is not listed you have to ask."
Answering the phone:
"AI Plastics, this morning."
"I'm with a customer at the moment that's why I'm hotwiring everything."
"Ah yes, I remember it well. Blue nylon gate."
Just wasted 5 minutes explaining that we are behind another company:"
"Imagine you're driving into .... , well we are behind them. Round the back. Just drive in and keep going...blah blah..."
Colleague: "Did you steal my ruler?"
Daddy: "No, they're both mine."
Gets out permanent marker and writes John's ruler on both rulers.
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